what is there left? I scavenge and look and feel my body. It’s there, but it’s not me, is it? I ask why it is even possible that I feel this. I know I can’t be angry, but I am. Each time I think of you it’s almost too much, I get so anxious and my throat closes up, I feel sick. Never did I let someone know who I am, until I met you. And now you’re gone. Again. Some days are harder than others. Like today. I wish I could see you again and grab you by the shoulders and ask you why. How could people do this to each other? I didn’t realize that I could honestly feel this much pain. I would never wish this upon anyone. Now all I’ve left to do is to try to piece myself back to who I was. But I know it’s impossible. I’ll never be that person again. I’m completely different. I need to do this. I need to let it go. No one owns anyone and I need to understand that. I need to realize that we are all individuals. This post is saddening, but so necessary. I needed to let this come out eventually.
one of the best parts about being back: being able to casually listen to trap music again without feeling like a complete degenerate..
“You a bitch and he a bitch and y'all like twin sisters Respect ya hustle, get ya money, baby, win with us Ya boyfriend acting like a bitch then why you still with him?”
Rant:I tell myself, be positive. be hopeful don’t be negative or angry. But god fucking dammt sometimes life is just idk, I don’t even know what would even be the adequate adjective for how I feel right now. Yes, yes i do see how I am very fortunate and am “blessed” (in quotes bc i don’t really like that word), but sometimes I just feel like there’s no point. I feel such a great and disgusting amount of apathy within me and in a way, it makes me angry at myself. Because I feel like I am continuously the type of person that does indeed try to find how things are emaningful and how they affect me and how I can grow, and just overall how life is something that is beautiful and I should make it count. But it’s just hard, it’s hard to continuously sustain this mode of thinking, or in general this type of perspective because I feel liek there’s so many other outside factors that don’t want me to succeed. Don’t want me to do well. Solciety, and my own limitations, and ither people, and sometimes myself. And what I mean by that, is like exactly what is going on right now. I will have to be okay with never seeing you.. life.
